愛してる : Aishiteru : I Love You
by CallMeButLove
Summary: *SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 469/SHIPPUDEN EPISODE 206* Have you ever wondered what Sakura was thinking about after she left Naruto standing in the snow? This is one possibility... NOT Naru/Saku. Implied Sasu/Saku; though maybe one-sided. Please read and review!


愛してる

*(Aishiteru = I love you)*

A Naruto Shippuden Fan Fiction

By

_~CallMeButLove~_

Naruto © 岸本斉史 *(Kishimoto Masashi)*

When I said "I love you" – I was serious. When I said those three terrifying words – I meant them. When the sweetest syllables to ever be combined left my dry throat, my parched, cracked lips – they carried full weight. I do not take the words "I love you" lightly. We are Shinobi and as such, there are many things left unsaid. Many times, words simply fall flat in the immensity of the moment in which we hang suspended – these moments between life and death. So many regrets, so many fractured hearts left behind by the one they belonged to. After all, in such a world as ours there is no promise that can be fully kept; not for long. You might not come home the next time you leave the village. I might not make it back from the next mission I accept. That is the reason that the words I said to you are so desperately, achingly important and too rarely said. If we cling to the hope that the ones we love will always be by our side, if we convince ourselves that they will perpetually return to us, then the words, spoken aloud, would be a white flag of surrender. An acknowledgment that there is a chance that things could end. A possibility that the bonds we forge are not immutable, but fragile and ephemeral, like our fleeting lives. The words which build the phrase stand as a symbol of our weakness in a way – perfectly clear, undeniable. An utterly inescapable truth lives in those words. We need to love, to be loved – we need to hear the words. And, when the end is near, like never before - we urgently need to _say_ them. We are not the breathing weapons that our vocation would make us. We are human, after all, fallible and as easily broken as an egg shell.

In this Shinobi life, the words "I love you" are all too often saved for times of quiet terror, moments of purely horrifying agony. They are rasped from choking lungs filling with everything but air, they bubble forth from lips too bright with warm crimson to be natural. They find their punctuation and their emphasis in coughs, sputters, gasps and moans. They tear forth from even a chest that has been opened obscenely to the unforgiving light of day. Through sheer strength of will and determination, they press on in outward flow – even if reaching the ears of the recipient reduces them to a wet whisper. They are the last sounds a cherished person makes as strength ebbs and eyes dim. The speaker holds, clutching to any part of the precious recipient of the words that is within reach. Hands, clothing, hair, anything – it's contact that matters. With ever diminishing vigor, the words "I love you" are forced out of the departing admirer's mouth, most who then have no remaining vitality to wait for the reciprocal reply. The sustained effort it takes to say those words is so often more than the dying can withstand, and therefore it is a final act, just to accomplish their expression. Because we substitute those words for "good-bye," they are frightening words. Because they frequently equate with letting go, they are almost completely taboo. Shinobi Rule # 25: _Never_ show true emotion. Not even the pleasant kind, for fear that the display may crack the resolve of a warrior, break the iron spine, and douse the will of fire. I think "I love you" is an even more potent fuel for one's will of fire than devotion to duty ever could be. I have become convinced of that watching you. You are indescribably strong when you are fighting for those you love. You have become the living nullification of Shinobi Rule # 25. Someone should write new rules.

All negative connotations do not -cannot- change the fact that when I broke the taboo, when I crossed the line, I meant those words with everything in me. You said that I lied to myself then, yet I know that you felt the pure truth in my expression. You feel it now, as much as I do. When I said "I love you," your eyes glowed with hurt, denial, and bitter disappointment, while mine shone with remorseful, anguished, guilt-ridden tears. I have never been able to keep from hurting you; it seems I will never be strong enough for that. The second that I met those crystalline azure pools with my jade-toned ones, my heart was shattered by the enormity of my failure. I'm the one causing so much of your distress, Sai was right about that. I can never seem to protect you – no matter how hard I try. The shards of my glass heart fell to the ground at our feet like the snow that fluttered past your ears, on that day in the Land of Iron. Pieces of my heart fell just as silent as that snow, yet infinitely sharper, more deadly – painful. Fragments of my soul intermingled with the crumbled remnants of my pride. I surrender that pride willingly – to save you from this misery, I'd surrender anything. When I said "I love you," I meant it. I have never been so sorry! That I manipulated you and added to your pain instead of easing it, is my lasting burden to bear. I can't atone, only accept the forgiveness you handed me even _as I betrayed your trust_. I can't undo the hurt, only struggle on by your side and pray that I can regain your faith. I know I never really lost it, though I deserve to. You would never lose faith in me, just as you have never lost faith in yourself – or in him.

"Love" is too small a word to ever fully encompass all of that emotion's meaning. All of the tangent versions are impossible to quantify, or to contain within the limits of a single word. When you said I lied, you were right, but you were equally wrong. I do love him, still. In that regard alone, my denial was a falsehood. I crafted it carefully as a shield to guard you and all it amounted to was a twin-edged blade that cut you. How can you forgive me when I can't forgive myself? What I feel for both of you _is_ love. One no less than the other, no less potent, no less true. Love. My love for him is a torturous, deadly, agonizing sensation. It will never abate, so I suffer on. I know you do so with me, for you love him too. You love much as I do, so we truly do understand each other. I look at you and see the brother I never had. You see the same when you look at him, I know how that feels. My "brother" stands beside me giving me strength, whether in fighting, laughing or crying, but yours – your "brother" has gone so far away. I can't imagine being able to stand alone, if you were ever gone – I rely on your strength too much now. How can you stand anymore without him? The night so long ago, when I said those fateful words to him – I was sincere. Yes, I was young. Yes, I was naïve. Nevertheless, I knew my own heart. I still do. My words of honest, untainted adoration were met with a dismissive gaze and a belittling remark. He shrugged my "I love you" off like the day's cast off, soiled clothing – like a worthless thing not required or looked for. And still, he thanked me. For what exactly, I'm not entirely sure. For loving him? For saying the words? For giving him something to return to? For trying, and failing, to change his mind? For making it easier for him to go by making myself an annoyance? I can't be certain. If you succeed in your quest to save him, then maybe I will finally get an answer. If, in spite of my attempt to emancipate you from my selfish wish, you do bring him home – there is one thing I will say first: "I love you!" I will say the magical, healing, precious words to _**both **_of you, for I truly love the two of you – wholeheartedly.

I didn't always realize it, but my love for you overcame all my early, childish impressions of you. My precious, irresponsible, reckless, brave, strong, loyal teammate. You have become as much my brother, as he became yours. There was no lie in my "I love you" on that snowy day. I swear on my life; you can trust this love; it's real, and it's not all the love there is for you in this world. No, my dearest Naruto – you are already loved, by countless others. Numerous friends, acquaintances, comrades – civilian and shinobi alike. Just wait a little longer, keep giving your best, and the love will grow and fuel your dreams. It will make you stronger than you've ever been, stronger than anything. The love you have earned -have always deserved- will make you into what you have always longed to be – our _beloved_, revered, and powerful Hokage, our protector and our leader, our hope. I long even now, knowing everything I know, to stand next to Sasuke as we watch that dream come true for you. Even if he's not physically there, I will stand proudly and smile knowing that you achieved your goals with the strength of love. Even if we must bury him to save him, I will still say the words, for they will never be more true; I love you. If we come to that, a day when the Team Seven of old is forever disbanded by the universal enemy, Death, I will hold out my hand to you even so, and say those words:

Uzumaki Naruto, aishiteru – I love you.

おわり

(Owari)


End file.
